I hate being little and young looking. I am literally the same size I was when I got my driver’s license and that is not a good thing unless you want to make looking young your career, and I don't see anyone coming to sign me a contract for The Hills, Brooklyn edition. I wish I was bigger and scarier but I am not. I am vulnerable all the time. You may not understand that or see that but it is true. I fight hard to get things done, not because I like to but because I have no other choice if I want to get ahead. Because my whole life I can count on one hand the number of people that has ever taken me seriously.
Very few people know with certainty that I mean what I say and that I do what I say I am gong to do. I am a serious person. When I have ideas I move on them and that is how things get done. I am seriously not a 14 year old girl. But the only time in my life I can remember a really good compliment is when someone told me that I was “a force”. No one refers to me as a force. If anything people say I “have good ideas” or I “do a lot”, "read a lot" but a force is a thing of nature that cannot be denied. That is a compelling irresistible call to action. Most of the time, people take me for a 14 year old girl who still has “so much to learn” and is easy to scam and the horrible part is that I always get scammed, because I do not realize I am not being taken seriously until it is too late. Call it a heroic flaw if you will. Somehow I have not learned how to take command of a situation even after all this time. I blame it on my unfettered trust in the goodness of mankind.
People take advantage of me to know end, because when I fight back, I get ignored. I tell a deadbeat tenant to get out of my house and I am ignored until I actually file the paperwork and the sheriff locks the doors. I tell my boss she is being inequitable in the distribution of the workload and my she schedules a planning meeting for how I can travel 100 more miles per week to further benefit the company. I get tired of fighting because everyone I interact with refuses to take me seriously.
I am tired of this. I want to scream and would . . . all the time if I thought someone would hear me. (It is the tree in the forest after all). But apparently my voice doesn’t count. It’s hard to feel big when everyone makes you feel so small. That’s what I mean when I say life is hard enough, because all of this getting walked on starts to wear on a person and makes it real hard to see the point in fighting at all. Would it not be easier to give up and not complain and just take the lumps that life dishes out? It will end eventually right? Right? It’s not like I have control of any of it anyway. I am tired of being walked on. So when I say I’m done, don’t think I am bluffing, because you might just get your feelings hurt and then there really will be no more to say.
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2 comments:
Hey M,
Sounds like you hit the "Wall" at this point most quit others with a little more fortitude conform. I have always saw in you Greatness. I feel your anguish and share in your frustration. Don't give up. Don't compromise. Keep your razor sharp wits about you.
I cant help but read this and feel the sentiment. It is often hard to get people to take us seriously, but what I do know is that you are unstoppable. If people choose to overlook the greatness then it's their loss for ignoring such a beautiful and strong person. That's what you are, that's what you stand for and that's how you live your life everyday. Point blank period. I can always equate it to if people want to get on the greatness train let me them, but if they dont they'll just get hit. Sucks for them, but we'll look back on those moments and know they should have never underestimated you.
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